Dear Instagram Diary, Day 1 – 7

Last week, I added an Instagram account to this site. So many memes, so little space… It’s to the right. If you are on a phone, or reading it via email, you ain’t gonna see it.

GunpowderedInk <–Instagram Clicky.

I chronicled my adventure.

Day 1.

Dear Diary, today I created a public, but Top Secret Instagram account. This way I can avoid offending anyone who doesn’t want to see this stuff on my private personal account. GunpowderAndInk was taken, so GunpowderedInk will have to suffice. Time to post some humorous, but factually correct pictures promoting Christianity, Conservativism, and Pew-pewing… and smacking liberals with logic. A few of my favorite things.

Oh look, 5 likes. And two adds already. One is selling bottled hotdog water, supposed to cure acne. The other is a holster company.

Day 2.

Dear Diary,

Today I had the following conversation with my wife.

Wife: “Someone stole your identity! They took your picture. Wow, you are so handsome. I’m such a lucky girl to be married to a hunk like you. But they are posting a bunch of funny, but thought provoking, and truthful stuff on Instagram! (Paraphrased, but mostly correct.)”

Me: “Yeah… that’s me.”

Note to self. Next time don’t use real name or picture, dumbass…

Oh, look. More likes, more adds. More companies of random stuff. Including a sunglass company.

Day 3.

Dear Diary,

More friends are adding me on Instagram. Because Instagram is suggesting my not-so-secret account to friends on my real account. Buckle up kiddos. While I try to stick to posting family stuff on my private account, this account doesn’t care about your feelings. Regardless of how incorrect or fragile they may be.

A bunch of more companies for random crap are adding me. One is a dude with a lot of hair, who lounges on boats all day with stacks of money next to him. Hmmm… can’t be real. The money would wash away.

A few real people. I’ve been asked several times now what sort of gun I carry by a holster company. Then told to check them out. No thanks, I like my IWB Comp-Tac Minotaur. 10+ years with the exact same holster, cause it’s that freaking awesome.

Sunglass Company liked every single picture I had then unfriended me.

Day 4.

Dear Diary, liberals have already begun arguing me. That was quick. Let the educationing and hurt feelings commence.

Sunglass company added me as a friend again. Yay? Hitting about 10-12 likes per picture. Is this fame? Someone pinch me.

Day 5.

Dear Diary, someone called me a bad name. Since I’m not a Beta Male, it has no effect on me. I laugh at their silliness. I played Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, a lot back in the day. I’ve heard every possible variation of “I banged your mom” in a multitude of languages I didn’t understand.

Except North Korean, cause they don’t have internet.

Sunglass Company liked all the pictures I posted over the past couple of days. Told me to buy stuff from them. I didn’t respond.

Had my first repost of a picture I posted and hit 18 likes on one picture. Heeeeyyyy. I’m officially INSTA-FAMOUS! I’m going to start offering online coaching for something… I dunno. Whatever makes you feel bad about yourself and you think some random dude on the other side of the internet can give you for money…

Day 6.

Dear Diary, nothing new to report. I posted some pictures and followed ESEE Knives. Cause I just bought one of their ESEE 3’s, military version. It’s beautiful. I’m going to kill and eat things with it.

Sunglass Company unfriended me again.

More random companies keep adding me. Some real, living people mixed in. I’m thinking of offering ‘Good Vibes’ for money. That’s a thing. Instead of praying, people offer ‘Good Vibes’. Whatever the hell that is…

$5.25 per vibration.

Day 7.

Dear Diary, I wonder if women are bombarded with obvious fake accounts, with women in lingerie  as the profile pic, who directs them to click an obvious porn link? Or do they get offers from thonged men?

Do the bots know how to differentiate male and female accounts due to our profile pictures?

If unsure of gender, does it double-down and just send one of both?

How do bots differentiate between the other 50 made up genders? Or like me, do they not care.

Sunglass Company refriended me. Woohoo. Liked all of my pictures again. Commented the exact same pitch as several days ago. More companies are pestering me. A few more real people.

Instagram is ridiculous. This is why my personal account is set to private.

Yet I still post pictures, because my phone storage is full of them. And it makes me happy.

Oh, yeah. Still offering ‘Good Vibes’. $5.50 each now. Because I’m INSTA-FABULOUS.

Postal Money Order only.

 

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